Wh@t3v3r th@t h@pp3ns t0 m3 c0unt....

bloody fucking day!!!!!

2009-12-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

god what the bloody fuckin day i had today.....had a very nice lunch today with my cous,aunts,uncle,grandma and parents but that happiness only lasted until 3 pm until my dad had to ruin my whole entire afternoon by telling me bout college.....he says that whats the point of me takin A levels when its the same as taking form 6....might as well take the free one.....GOSH!!!!!DONT HE UNDERSTAND!!!!!he says that takin A levels is unless i'm goin overseas to study so theres no point in taking it n since he doesnt hav the money to send me there.....BUT god doesnt he knw that private colleges also allow me to complete my course in m'sia itself????n the difference in it is that the certs are totally different coz havin an overseas cert allows me to hav a better future as it is widely recognize....BUT god no he thinks its a waste of money......then after lunch he drag me all the way to TAR COLLEGE...just to ask for what they offer...then be4 the counseller even say anything to me he keeps telling her that he's got no money to send me overseas!!!!god!!!!!then he brags bout he know loads more things then they do becoz his friends kids are doin this n doin that all the yadayada crap.....ARGHHH!!!!!y cnt he just understand what i'm askin for......n i guess i hav to go through all this crap again 2mr n its not gonna make my day...n he'sgoin down to kl during x'mas n wants me to enquire in UTAR....guess it wont make my day until i agree to what he wants me to do.....NOW I HAV HALF OF MY MIND TO TELL HIM THAT I DNT WANT TO STUDY ANYMORE SINCE I'M NOT GIVEN A CHOICE TO CHOOSE WHERE I WANNA STUDY.....gosh sometimes i just really envy those orphan ...at least at the end of the day they get to choose what they want although they hav got to work harder than us with parents....but i just hav to ask for god's forgiveness for what i say bout the orphan not that i dont apprieciate my parents....but at least my mom knws what i want n is willing to let me choose but god my dad....its just so bloody frustrating....man are just so bloody complicated.......

weird.....

2009-12-10T05:07:00.000-08:00

god what the hell has gotten into me today....y am i feeling angry at him???just becoz he's busy????god the feeling is sooo confusing...it just doesnt make sense to me.....y am i angry???y do i feel insecure????all of this is so confusing so weird....ntg like that has ever happen be4...but y now????do i really love him that makes me feel weird???god....then my mom starts getting into my face just becoz i 4gotten to drink my milo this freakin morning....what the hell is wrong???y r crazy thing s happening to me nw????god.....1st was when i cried...then now getting angry...ARGHH!!!!!this is just so frustrating i dnt even knw how i feel at times.....smbody just gt to tell me bout it....i'm new at it n definitely not good at it....dnt like second guessing my own feelings....everything just makes me feel weird n outta place....just need to cool it for awhile...

yesterday....

2009-12-09T17:54:00.000-08:00

yesterday was hectic it was soo tiring....went to sch in the morning to return the txtbooks....waited for jane to finish her exams be4 goin to gurney....went to watch love happens and man that was the most draggies movie i had ever watch....theres ntg much to write bout yesterday......

FREE!!!!

2009-12-08T07:36:00.000-08:00

god has it been a long time since i last wrote my blog.....been busy with all those freakin studies....which now that spm has already ended just couple hours ago...wow...all the hard work sure hope it pays of in the end.....now that the studies are all officially over for the time being....its time for me to get on back with my carefree life....now it more storybooks,more blogging,more facebook n more tv.....god its just time to relax a lil.....then after that look for a job which i already am just hoping to get it....so that the stupid dad of mine wouldnt start nagging again...god forgive me but do i just hate him....cnt he just let me go on with my own life n let me decide what i wanna do n stop making decision for me....i'm old enough to knw exactly what i want...but anyways life goes on from here....just had an outing with a bunch of friends just now after the ppr end.....no more talking bout hw did i do the ppr goes its all over n cnt change a sinlge things now....well went out with a bunch of friends including my 'lover'....well wasnt so bad.....growing to learn how to luv him i guess.....just hope that everything would be fine n my prayers would be answered...right now i'm just hoping that everything would turn out the way i want it to be and give me less trouble to deal with....which i already hav a hands full of it....
all i'm askin for now is that to achieve good results for my spm,for my parents to understand what i really want,for my relationship to be stable n good and for those strangers in my life to leave me alone....
AHHH.....GUESS THATS ALL FOR TODAY.....

still there....

2009-10-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

ahhh....its been soo long since i last wrote my blog.....
SPM is just around the corner....hav got to study real hard this time....buck up an all my science sub....haiz....but thats not the point of why i'm writing today....
i'm writing today is becoz i find myself still unable to forget him.....i still find myself askin things about him...when i thought that i had already had him out of my mind....but why is he still there vividly in my mind and memories....no doubt he had given me some things that i wont forget but still why i'm i still trying to find out bout him and what he does.....he is suppose to be just a memory....memory i should hav long put behind but yet he's still there lingering like a shadow....haiz...its very frustrating when u cant hav a person n knowing they would hav long forgotten ur existence...but yet u still think of him even though u dnt want to.....haiz.....=_='''

the ultimate life game....

2009-09-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

THE ULTIMATE LIFE GAME

HARD TO PLAY.....

CANT TAKE THE HEAT,DONT PLAY THE GAME....

He had once told me and he is not a 100% wrong about me at all...i hav to agree with what he had to say....so now here's the answer to answer his statement he said before which i havent really answer...guilt is something i cant live with...ya it right its something i cant do and live....and if it makes me naive and inexperience than just be it....i wont change the fact that thats what i am....at least i now knw that i was brought up with a guilty conscious mind.....and if trying meekly to be righteous makes me that way as well then i cant help it....becoz if u hav ever experience what i hav been through knowing that ur parents give u their fullest trust and knowing that somehow u had break that trust they had given u....u will try ur damnest to make things right...and if u had experience after doin something and the guilt hit up with u...then u'll knw why i try so hard to be righteous....trying to understand the world,and yet wont let the world teach me...maybe i try too hard to understand things,i'm a lil too pranoid....i admit what he said had not been wrong but if u cant live with me being who i am then just leave it be....i wont try to convince u of who i'm not...but at least i'm being honest bout who i am....if my answer still dont satisfy the statement then i'm really sorry....

doubt...

2009-08-27T01:53:00.000-07:00

how many of us out there has actually hav doubt bout ourselves???how many of us has actually ask ourselves before how much do we really know ourselves???i dont know becoz right know there's a gap between me n myself....i just got a really big slap from a friend....not really a slap but literally...i finally realize there's nothing much that i know bout myself besides being a loner....i dont knw really...he says i'm confident,sense urgency in me,unsure,curious,lonely,left out,hopeful firm,hasty....how much of that is true now???now that i have doubt on myself....i really dont knw...i'm lost with no where to go...now i'm also naive n inexperience.....i really dont know...i'm starting to hav doubt bout how much do i really know myself....he says guilt is something that i cannot take....he says i try meekly to be righteous...he says i'm filll with naive thoughts which r childlike...he says i try to understand the world but wont let the world teach me....i really dont know....am i trying too hard to be who i'm not???i'm starting to hav lots of doubt...how much do i really understand myself????just how much he says bout me is true????he says i'm too human...but arent we all????i just dont understand!!!!!

REBEL!!!!

2009-08-07T01:46:00.000-07:00

it's really time for a change....i had had enough n tolerated enough of my idiotic dad's nonsense....I AM TO REBEL!!!!!sad to say but good to know.... i hate him n will never change the fact of it...for those of u out there who has a dad who is considarate n reasonable who doesnt scream n shout at u for no reason then good for u.....for those who hate their dad as hw i hate mine...then do join the club!!!!lets just start from yesterdays incident...ok i just got my P recently n i havent even been out on the road driving for more then a week...n i'm still nt use to driving an auto,big car...n i'm not use to it n dont expect me to know hw to look at all 3 mirrors at the same time when i'm still learning!!!!if he ever hav the brains in him to think he would know but too bad he doesnt hav!!!!he shouted at me yelling quote 'I DONT KNOW HOW U CN EVEN PASS UR DRIVING TEST!!!!' that was the last of it....i had enough!!!!!another incident is comparing me to his friends kids who r way much older than me who r either already workin or just graduated from either college or university!!!!!JESUS!!!!!DOESNT HE REALIZE FOR THE FACT THAN I'M HIS DAUGHTER BUT NOT HIS FRIENDS????I SERIOUSLY WONDER IF I'M EVEN HIS KID!!!!GOD FORGIVE ME BUT THATS WHAT HE MADE ME FEEL!!!!!TO HIM ME N MY BRO IS NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF USELESS JUNK TO HIM.....nothing we do is ever good enough for him...only what his friends kids does is the best....SERIOUSLY.....LIKE FOR EXAMPLE asking me to go study in a college that doesnt even hav the course that i want to study just becoz his friend said that its good coz its local n it has scholarship...ya right as if its that easy to obtain a scholarship if u dont hav a good result...and just becoz his friend said so or their kids r there.....that all BULLSHITTING STUFF!!!!SOMETIMES I REALLY WONDER IF I'M THE ONE STUDYING OR IS IT HIS FRIENDS KIDS!!!!to him its always his friend his friend,,,,its PATHETIC!!!REAL PATHETIC!!!!TO WHOEVER IT IS OUT THERE DONT EVEN BOTHER TELLING ME HIS MY DAD....ENOUGH OF THE CRAP..HEARD TO MUCH OF IT...COZ EVEN HE IS IT STILL DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT I HATE HIM!!!!!GOD FORBID ME BUT THATS WHAT I JUST SAID.....NOTHING BUT THE PLAIN TRUTH.....ITS TIME TO REBEL!!!!!

foolish ppl....

2009-07-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

whats with all the people nowadays???whats wrong with them???i've been around with too many stupid people....people who think they are naive,acting as if they r so bloody innocent,people who are ignorant bout things goin on....i hate it especially when they act as though they are super innocent not knowing bout the facts of life...thinkin that sex is somewhat a thing to be disgusted as if they wont be doing it 1 day....especially for those who already hav or had boyfriends acting as though they dont know whats love all about...as though as they havent lost their 1st kiss....acting...they are just all a bunch of foolish people to me....they just hav to grow up n see things for a very different perspective...maybe its just be with the mind of a 40 year old...but i seriously cant stand the way they are acting....kept on tell me to my face as if what i've been reading and telling is disgusting...if u meant it as a joke i wont mind....but some people just dont know the difference between making a joke n tellin it to a person's face and how it feels.....its just starting to get on my nerves...i've been tolerating enough of all this crap....some people just need to be taught a lesson to stop saying it....friends of no friends i dont give a damn.....if it ever gets onto my nerves ever again....i swear i will throw it all back to theirs bloody fucking faces....just stop acting innocent in front of me....i 've seen enough of these crap and i can see it through ur face when u r doin that,its just that i dnt say it out loud as i still take u as my friend...things has limits just dont let me throw it all back at u.....foolish n ignorant!!!!

cnt make up my mind!!!!

2009-06-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

i've been thinkin for couple of days now and yet i still cnt seem to make up my mind....i dnt know what i'm thinkin or what do i actually want...i'm at a lost nowhere to be found....i dont know why but i hav the intention to make that call but yet i couldnt make myself...why????why am i still wondering bout if i should make that call????is it becoz i'm afraid???afraid of knowing the ans????afraid of whats there waitin for me????i dnt know....i still cnt think of what to do....when can i get my ans????today???tomorrow????the day after???

arghhhhhh!!!!!!this is so frustrating!!!!!!!

wondering.....

2009-06-20T05:49:00.000-07:00

its been a very long time since i last wrote my blog...but it doesnt really matter how long i havent written in it.....anyway i'm just really lost lately...i'm still trying to really find out what i really want...i cnt seem to make up my mind......i just cnt seem to get over it,my decision is always change with what i hav in mind....i just cnt seem to get it right it seems as though it all wrong....

i was thinkin why do people keep wondering....why do they keep thinkin of what is impossible instead of what is really possible and make it into reality....i kept thinkin why must we wonder????why cnt we just find a way to solve all problems n stop oursleves from wondering....life is really a funny thing....no human being in the world cn seem to make up their mind in setting what the want...we kept on changing our minds base on the change of time...why cnt we just stick woth what we decide???even if we cn,how many of us cn actually succeed into doing excatly that????i just cnt seem to get it at all....its like i'm in the grasp of something that is unknown to me....i dnt seem to make up my mind...i'm doubtful over the things that i had done....i'm still in the maze full of wonder......

.......KRIS ALLEN.....

2009-05-25T01:57:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAA..................ITS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I LAST WROTE DUE TO PC PROB....ANYWAY ITS JUST SO GREAT......KRIS ALLEN WON THE AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!
HE IS SO GREAT I LIKE HIM......WATCH THE COMPLETE FINALE AT www.watch.americanidol.com

sick of it....

2009-05-25T01:41:00.001-07:00

FALSE PENALTY....

THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND US,

FOR WHAT WE SEE IN DIFFERENT PPL,

THERE ALWAYS LAY A SEA OF TRUTH & LIES,

IT DOESNT MATTER THE FACT OF WHICH PART

THEY CHOOSE TO SEE IN ME,

THE TRUTH OR THE LIE,

ITS THE MATTER OF MY OWN,

MY THINKING IS WHAT REALLY COUNTS,

TRUTH OR LIES IS UP TO FAITH TO DECIDE,

I DONT NEED YOU TO BELIEVE,

I DONT NEED YOU TO PENALIZE ME

FOR WHAT & WHO I AM,

AS FOR I AM WHAT I THINK I AM.......

accused....

2009-05-25T01:36:00.000-07:00

THE ACCUSED

DONT TRY TO DEFEND,

DONT TRY TO DENY,

DONT TRY TO CHANGE THE FACT

THATS WHAT THEY THINK,

DONT TRY TO RUN,

DONT TRY TO HIDE,

STAND UP STRONG TO FACE THE SONG,

THERE'S NO POINT CHANGING,

COZ THATS WHAT THEY THINK,

& THATS WHAT I HAVE BEEN PENALIZE FOR.......

haunted dreams

2009-04-19T01:10:00.000-07:00

its been days and nights,
since i last done my act;
my days has been haunted with the conscious of what i've done,
my dreams has not been a good one
ever since the guilt in me caught up with what i did;
will the result be a reality or will it be just a bad dream;
for what i fear may be true,
for the reality hits,
the nightmare comes true;
but for what i hope it isn't true....

qoutes....

2009-04-18T05:53:00.000-07:00

an er,is human,to forgive is devine
take it as it comes,leave it as it goes
forget whats right n wrong,a mistake is a mistake,the question is if its forgivable
whats done is done,the damage is there,but will it be able to be amend
love me for who i am n what i am,but not love me to fulfill ur desire
i shed tears with words,but not tears of weakness
what u want n need is not the love that i cn give,but the things u sought to seek in me
dnt condone to my mistakes,but i wnt ask for forgiveness,coz what i done is wrong
love of my body,i wnt give,but love of my heart is what i hav to give
an er is what we make,to forgive is what we need
the love of my life is not what i hav,but the betrayal of myself is what i hav done
to forgive is not what i need,as i couldnt care less

this are the quotes that i made up myself...as it is true of what i hav done....what i did is not right,i wont ask anyone to condone to my mistakes.....thats y i'm writing all these....to remind myself of what i hav wronged myself to do.....

a person full of sin...

2009-04-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

i hav degraded n shame myself for what i hav done....the most important thing is i hav breach the trust my family had in me....i hav lost what is most important to me....right nw i hav got no much of a self pride...as ntg that i hav done so far is worth to be proud of....i hav degraded myself n threw what i hav left away...NO DIGNITY LEFT...NO SELF PRIDE....lets just say if u call a person who often flirts cheap then....what i've done is even worst....its call a self brand "cheapmunk"....what i've done like what i say be4 its reckless n irresponsible....here's what i qoute from a friend....

LETS TALK ABOUT THE PAST

TAKE OFF & REVEAL THE MASK

MAKE IT FAST

OUR CROWD IS BEGIN TO FUSS

MY PAST IS DARK & SCARY

FULL WITH FEAR & NOISE

CAUSE OF ALL THESE

FUCKIN BOYS!!!

~michelle~

lets just put it this way.....in the eyes of THE ALMIGHTY,i'm a person full of SIN.......this is what i've turn myself into....

reckless...

2009-04-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

as how as it is to be....always expect the unexpected.....thats all i cn say...i did it again the same mistake that i had done months before....but even worst....i dont knw how i feel this time i dont feel crush....instead i felt totally NUMB.....i dnt knw why...the ***s i receive today isnt as good as the one i had be4.....when it was goin on i felt nothing but just the pain in it.....for as far as things would go all i could think of was reckless...irresponsible for myself n nothing else.....it should not hav been that way if only i hadnt given it back.....thats reckless n unforgivable.....i knw what i did was wrong n totally out of question but the fact is whats done is done...it will not change the fact that i had lost it.....i dnt knw if i like him i dnt hav any feelings at all is it really that numb in me already?????i just hav the feeling that the relationship that i'm gonna hav is either not gonna last long or its gonna be shaky....coz honestly if u ask me,when it came to me that it was about to happen i didnt feel anything nothing at all thats what i felt...at 1st i wanted to resist but later i didnt i just hung on to it.....i felt sick after that,not sick of anything not even sick of him but sick of myself for what i did.....after a while when my head is cleared of all the numbness....i start to think things through...all he wanted n needed was not the love that i could give him but the things he sought to seek in me.....i dnt knw if i should go on with it...coz for as far as i knw now things arent gonna work out well with me....as being reckless n irresponsible for once is enough....there has to always be a lesson learnt....for being a RECKLESS FOOL!!!!

ass hurts...

2009-04-07T04:35:00.000-07:00

damn last night tournament was damn tough!!!!it was a great game even though i lost...but the weather was bloody hot i could fry an egg on my head....felt like fainting there n then....so i went to subway after that with my mom for lunch....the sandwich was good....anyway the thing is after lunch i went to starbucks to get a coffee home...met this guy workin there really cute n good lookin...we chatted for a short while...the thing is he works in starbucks n his name is terence n he's an indian....ahhhh..........melt......anyway this morning when i woke up my ass hurts like hell n i could barely walk properly....it still hurts like hell!!!!!DAMN.....

ppl of different clicks....

2009-03-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

its been a while nw since i last wrote...anyway mid semester exams is just over a few days ago n i got some results back...it its really good i totally flunk my physics ppr just barely manage to pass my bio n add maths...haiz...hav to do better than that in the mid term or i'll seriously be facing dooms day.....anyway this its y i wrote today....

the reason i'm writing today is becoz i just found out recently well not really recently but quite some time now that i know for a fact that i'm mixing around with many different types of ppl of different background.....well they r actually all from different clicks n most of them dont get along very well n i for is one of them who get really get along with afew of them becoz of the things that they did to me....i'm writing becoz i realize how hard its is for another party to get involve in this becoz they r sort of the middle party that always gets tied up with no matter what they do like trying to invite one person n another out for a party but both of the parties cnt get along at some rate where 1 is not happy with the other where they dont like it when the middle person tries to invite the other....i dnt knw all i knw that its really hard to pleased everyone at the same time without actually gettin on their backs n they getting on ur nerves.....i'm actually fine with hangin out with anyone except for those who i really dislike that is but others i wnt mind coz whats wrong with that of makin an extra friend right....its just so difficult mixing around with ppl of different clicks....soo complicated n very unpleasing!!!!

curious....

2009-03-05T01:02:00.000-08:00

its been quite sometime since i wrote my blog...haiz....been real busy lately....havent really settle down yet....

anyway i'm just curious....last week during our bio period i came across a really intersting slide....its actually on the prevention of AIDS....as far as i knw...everyone cn hav protected sex right......BUT how the hell is a person gonna hav protected oral sex???

i'm just askin coz it just cross my mind n i'm just curious......i'm not being disgusting just so u knw......i'm just always curious...its always good to knw though...:)

betrayal???

2009-02-10T06:53:00.000-08:00

whats with the world now a days????whats is it like living a life full of betrayal????i dnt knw....i really dont...friends????does such a thing still exsist in todays world???its just so much so complicated...its no longer the simple childhood life we used 2 live...the carefree and frivolous life with nothing whatsoever to worry about...but now at the age of 17...what has happen???well many things change....i really dont knw i still hav the fire in me that is always burning i dnt knw maybe its just a habit of getting angry & pissed off real fast...i dnt knw....its just hard to change that but i'll try....what about from the view of my love life????do i hav 1???i dnt knw....its just weird having a person tellin u he wants u back n he's sorry for what he did in the past....yet on the other hand not sure of the feelings i hav for another guy who tells me he likes me but way older?????what am i suppose to do???i'm confused up to my head.....i'm no longer so naive of what things is happenin becoz i hav seen diff things from diff angle.....its just diff for me nw....its just a very abrupt change for me....

CNY....

2009-01-30T19:04:00.000-08:00

WOW!!!!days past by soo fast and its already the 6th day of CNY.....well so far my CNY hasnt been soo good....1st i got my really early angpau by gettin sick....haiz!!!thats sad.....but anyway its been like what usual new year has been for me the past years but this year is totally diff.....becoz ths CNY is celebrated without both my grandpa.....thats sad but anyhow will hav to get use to it....but the best part is still getting all the red packets.....its sooo good when u get all the money n save it up for whatever i want.....well besides that this CNY has also been a HORRRORRR....for me becz there r loads of hmwork piled up for me to finish....haiz...the worst case secnerio ever!!!!!!!

new year...

2009-01-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

its been a very long time since i last wrote my blog.....while its just a clip of an eye and its already a whole new year.....nothing is the same anymore this year....for example i hav been offered the prefect post n i accepted it....besides that this new year will never be the same like all the others that i used to hav becoz this year new year is celebrated without both of my grandpa.....everything has change even me....i use to be the self conservative one....but now i guess i'm more to the open minded kind....i really dnt mind being like that becoz it keeps me goin n happy......but sometime i cnt never be to kind to a person becoz they r too much....some ppl are just to selfish to even offer another person her help....as if she the only important one n only her studies is much more important than others.....i just dont understand ppl sometime.....its all too much too complicated.....WHATEVER MAN IT DOESNT MATTER TO ME ANYMORE EVERYTHING HAS TURN TO AN ABRUPT CHANGE FOR ME.....

????

2008-12-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

whatever happens count....haiz....but ntg seems to be happenin lately....its so dull its so boring...like this holidays....its all work....nw when i see more workbooks...i feel like puking....GOSH!!!!!how cn the teachers be so "NICE"....GOD i seriously need some get away time...lucky me i'm goin of to KL next week....hahaha...just cnt wait......all right thats all for today or rather this week.....swt!!!

wh@tsup???

2008-12-06T03:59:00.000-08:00

WHATS UP WITH THINGS LATELY????ANY IDEA????

SRY TO SAY I TOO DONT HAV ANY IDEA....HAIZ!!!!!!WHAT TO DO????

I am so dead bored....there's nothing exciting to do lately......nothing excites me lately so bored.....it's been hmwork all month long and it never seems to hav an end to it.....HAIZ!!!!WHEN WILL ALL THE HMWORK END????WHEN SCH REOPENS????I DOUBT IT WOULD....IN FACT THERE WOULD BE EVEN MORE PILES!!!!!!I STILL HAV MY ADD MATH...MY CHEM....MY PHYS....MY BIO....WORST OF ALL MORAL!!!!!UNDONE!!!!UNDONE!!!!DAMN RIGHT IF U ASK ME IF I HATE THIS HOLIDAYS!!!!!

SERIOUSLY,is there anything else that would excite me anymore than hmwork?????OH GOD,PLS SAVE MY SOUL FROM ALL THE FREAKIN WORK!!!!!

s0000 d00m!!!!

2008-12-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

AAAHHH!!!!!!! SOMEBODY PLS SHOOT ME DEAD!!!!!! I HAD RATHER DIE RIGHT NOW THAN TO DO ANYMORE HOLIDAY HMWORK OR EVEN FACE SCHOOL TO REOPEN!!!!! THIS HOLIDAY SERIOUSLY SUCKS MAN!!!!!!

JUST CNT WAIT TO GET MYSELF OUTTA PENANG TO KL & ENJOY THE LAST OF MY HOLIDAYS....SPEND MY CHRISTMAS THERE!!!!!!!

reborn...

2008-11-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

I havent been writing my blog for the past 3 days.....and ever seens the reborn of myself I feel much lively now coz I hav no longer anything else to worry about...FRIENDS OR NO FRIENDS....IT ALL DOESNT REALLY MATTER TO ME ANYMORE THAN IT USED TO BE.....I'M MUCH MORE HAPPIER NOW THEN EVER altough its kinda boring coz there isnt much to do for me other than all my holidays hmwork which till now I still cnt seem to finish....but anyway I'm goin for my trainin quite regularly now coz my tournament is comin soon which is why I hav to work my ass of every freakin day....but I'm enjoyin it altough its kinda tiring with all the runnin n stuff but i find it much more entertainin that way.....besides that I hav cut down a lot on watchin TELE....goin ONLINE n STUFF....BUT I'M DEFENITELY NOT CUTTING DOWN ON READIN.....HAHAHA.......I hav just finish another book which I bought in BOARDERS this wed....HAHAHA...I just cnt wait to get my hands on more of the books....n I'm defenitely lookin forward to my trip to KL during Christmas so that I cn drag my cous along with me n ask her to take me to the BIGGEST BOARDERS in KL....HAHAHA....I JUST CNT WAIT!!!!!!YIPEEE!!!!!ITS THE BEGINNING OF MY REBORN...HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

....

2008-11-25T03:17:00.000-08:00

Life's been kinda boring lately.....nothing much is goin on other than my training for the coming tournament....besides that,been busy with my stupid holiday homework which never seem to be able to finish....goin 4 swiming quiet regularly now coz i hav to build up for the tournament as well....other than that nothing seems to be happenin....n i hav already finish all my story books...just hav to wait till 2mr so that i cn go to boarders to buy more books....thats about it.....XP

great showdown!!!!!

2008-11-18T17:16:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!yesterday was sooo cool!!!!!THE SHOWDOWN OF CHAMPIONS OF 2 DIFFERENT ERAS ROCK MAN!!!!!! I especially like the match between FEDERER AND BLAKE...their match was really amazing the balls that they were hitting were so hard and so fast....they are really the most amazing players of all.....I really admire the determination that BLAKE has.....he has gone through so many rough patches in life but yet he is back in the tennis court playing the best tennis......besides that,the doubles match between BORG/FEDERER AND McENROE/BLAKE was also fantastic.....I get to see the pairing between the 2 eras of champ....the match was the funniest of all as McENROE lives up to his name by complainin the most on court,throwin his racquet...while BORG just looked on to him and smile....HAHAHA...it was really entertainin....FEDERER AND BLAKE was also joinin in foolin around in court....

This was the best day ever....THE SHOWDOWN OF CHAMPIONS this year was much better than THE CLASH OF TIMES last year.....through this matches I get to see all their strokes which are simple and easy...I like McENROE'S left handed surf....BORG'S double handed backhand...and also FEDERER'S AND BLAKE'S backhand slice.....

TOO BAD...although the match was fantastic but this trip to KL isnt soo good coz we when and left at the same day which is a rush.....and the match only ended at 12 plus.....by the time we reach PENANG its already 3.30 in the morning and I didnt get to buy anything in KL except for chocolates.....ANYWAY it doesnt matter coz I'll be goin back to KL again in DECEMBER.....

Well thats all for today.....

cousins....

2008-11-16T05:20:00.000-08:00

HAHAHA.....its such a great day today....there is no longer EELIN....its someone else now but just with the same name....anyway today was fun...all my cousin came out expect for the dump one in KL who is too lazy to come out....it is my grandpa's 1st aniversery today thats why they r all out in penang....I also got myself a new adidas watch...its nice but expensive...its big too...but i dnt hav to pay for it...my aunt from JB bought it for me.....

Other than that,today was quite fine....not really fine...i dont knw....the youngest cous of mine is the noisiest she cry for a whole ten minutes...DAMN....that was long!!!my bro couldnt stand the noise...n he said he's never ever gettin married...HAHAHA....what a thing to say...but I'm also wondering myself how am I too have kids next time???the r just too noisy for me...HAIZ!!!thats just too hard for me to say bout that right now....HAHAHA...just enjoy while they r around....

tired exhausted....

2008-11-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

I'm tired...I'm exhausted....I wanna give up!!!!!i can't stand it any longer...I'll go crazy if I keep on tryin!!!! I'm already standin at the edge of everything...I dont want to fall all the way down yet I cant help it!!!!!EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.....RIGHT NOW THE NEWS IS i'M DEAD....I NO LONGER EXIST!!!!!

I'M DEAD.....THE EELIN THAT EVERYONE ONCE KNOW IS NO LONGER EXIST.....SHE'S DEAD.....LONG LONG AGO SHE'S DEAD......THE NEXT TIME WHEN YOU SHE HER AGAIN IT WILL NO LONGER BE THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE...COZ SHE'S DEAD!!!!!

I cant do it anymore...I'm tired...everytime when there's a problem what people have in mind first is always to find EELIN....but what happens when EELIN needs help???what happen when she's in trouble????hs anyone ANYONE at all think of her????the answer is NO!!!!!NO!!!no one at all tought of her!!!!no one at all had even have the courtesy to lend a helpin hand to her...all they know is to run as far away as they could manage!!!!!EXCEPT THE ONLY ONE PERSON I KNOW WOULD STAY AND HELP ME OUT....AND SHE IS THE ONE AND ONLY WHO IS WILLIN TO HELP ME.....I CANT THANK HER MUCH MORE FOR BEING THERE FOR ME TO AT LEAST LISTEN TO ME...I'M THANKFUL TO YOU FOR THAT....

Right here right now...I'm too tired and too exhausted to run anymore.....I'm very tired.....very tired....I cant feel myself anymore...I can feel anything anymore....I'M NUMB....EVERY NUMB....COZ I'M DEAD!!!!

PS:EELIN IS DEAD!!!!SHE NO LONGER EXIST!!!!

my faith???

2008-11-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

Restreaming was done today....as expected I'm not long in sc1....ask me if I'm sad ask if I'm happy...I really dont know how to answer if anyone were to ask me that...THE "BEST" THING IS THAT i MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HOLD ANY MORE POST NEXT YEAR BECAUSE i'M DOWN TO SC2....I dont know if I really want the post????I'm really tired thinkin of what I have to face when I go back to school next year...I really dont want to...I dread goin back....IS THERE STILL HOPE????IS THERE STILL FAITH????I want to believe that but I cant...everyone in school just seem so shock to find that I hav dropped....as if this was the most impossible thing of all....but I have already known it long before the results were out.....I really dont know what more I wanna do or what more can I do?????

I dont know who to turn for help...I dont know who to ask for help...I dont know who to trust....I DONT I REALLY DONT!!!!!!!I've got no 1 that I can consider as my friend in school I DONT I REALLY DONT....except for 1...I guess....do I really have to wait for faith to decide for me or am I to do it myself?????GOD TELL ME PLS TELL ME...HELP ME!!!!!WHO SHOULD I TURN TO ASK FOR HELP!!!!PLS GOD TELL ME!!!!

hope dashed????

2008-11-13T02:09:00.000-08:00

will it be DOOMS DAY 2mr for me???? I dnt knw n I really dnt want to knw

the teachers r gonna do the streamin 2mr n i eriously dnt want to be there 2mr even though I already knw what the results would be....but i'm just too afraid to be there once more to knw it again....

I just still cnt believe that ppl in my class right nw most of them are just such fakes!!!! I dnt want to talk bout it anymore.....I just despise it everytime I think bout it....all this will just be up to the faith that I hav n that will be my destiny....will just see how it goes 2mr...

HAPPY????

2008-11-11T04:23:00.000-08:00

ok today was just soo weird!!!!!!

i was just offered or rather PROMOTED to take the post of a PREFECT...damn that was just a surprise...i long ago had never expected that coz the results of the newly elected prefect had already been announced long ago.....oh wow...i just dnt knw if its amazing or what.....

all i know nw is that i hav to spend anOther hell knows how much for the blouse!!!!!DAMN....

WOW just again went i thought my year would end in misery all becoz of the bloody bitch....soo there's really hope!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...........

bl00dy wh0r3!!!!!

2008-11-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

DAMN IT!!!!!!today is like HELL for me......hav been runnin round the bloody school for the entire morning...besides that being scolded by that BLOODY FREAKIN FUCKIN WHORE just becoz i didnt collect the pendrive for her in the morning....has she hav no brains????i hav been runnin all around ever since the morning i reach school n didnt gt to sit my bloody ass down until after recess be4 goin for my other errands that was ask to be done by other teachers which has to be done at that time itself....she's a FUCKIN WHORE...she's as sluty a bitch!!!!!SHE DESERVE TO FREAKIN DIE!!!!!started tellin me that i hav no responsiblities for what i hav been ask to do....do u freakin think i dont 1 2 do my job!!!!!if she thinks its so bloody fuckin easy to get everything done it a short while y the freakin hell cnt she do it herself!!!!!!tellin me i got no responsibilities as a monitor in front of the whole class!!!!!THATS WHAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!!!she's a fuckin whore!!!!BLOODY bitch!!!!!!says that my responsibilities is gonna carry marks for my bloody moral assesment next year i seriously dont freakin care if it carries marks for the stupid bloody assesment all i knw is that i hav been workin my ass of the whole entire day n what the fuckin hell did i get???got scolding from her for not carrying my duties properly!!!!!no wonder ppl calls her the soya bean coz she has a brain the size of just a bean....n she doesnt think with the brains god gave her....she thinks with her ass n the brains the size of a bean!!!!she's a brainless moronic asshole!!!!!i would hav scream at her just nw if it werent for them to stare at me to stop me....if only i werent wearin my bloody monitor uniform i swear i would hav shouted at her in front of every1!!!!!damn her!!!!!

another thing that really pisses me of today....was my freakin fuckin useless moronic asshole ass....when i reminded her so many times to come to sch today so that i cn finish up for my board stuff n hand it up in time to teacher....n guess what she didnt show up in sch today n didnt even bother to lt me knw that she was nt comin....i was lucky enough to ask another of my friend to stay back n help me to get the thing the teacher wanted done....if i didnt hav the sense to ask my friend to stay back i would hav ben hangin in the sch alone like a fool.....this ppl has got no responsibilities at all!!!!!n there the bloody whore dare questions me bout my responsibilities!!!!!!

m00d....

2008-11-04T02:26:00.000-08:00

theres another 1 more week to the sch hols and i hav tons of add math hmwork to complete n i havent even dont a single thing bout it yet!!!!damn...not whenever i see smthing that has to do with that sub i feel like pukin!!!!!

in addition to the preparation required by my board 4 next years inauguration......its all driving me crazy!!!!n i hav to hand everything in on the 10th i'm sooo DOOM!!!!!how the freakin hell m i suppose to finish this wheni havent hav the slightest idea what i 1 2 do n gt done with it????

anyway i hav almost finish all of my books.....the book that i hav just finish today will be my 4th book in 2 weeks time.....the story book will only keep my happy becoz its me n my world with no other interference from others...altough most of them do nt agree of the kind of book i'm readin coz they think of it as dirty...i dnt knw but its just books of romance is it so wrong to read this kinda books????i dont find it disgusting but i somewhat find it amusing yet intersting becoz of the way the climax of the story being describe....ahhh to hell with cnt be bothered with other ppls opinion as long as i nw n like what i myself m doin.....thats all for 2day gotta get workin with my board stuff.....haiz :(

insecure???

2008-10-27T21:11:00.001-07:00

something is wrong with me today....i dnt understand y but i just hav a really insecure feelin bout it....i feel awkward....the feelin of untrustworthiness is back yet again hauntin me....he vivid images comin back again y???feelin towards others r nw different for me...i dnt knw what they r thinkin n hav no intention whatsoever of knwin it....i just dnt feel right in place...y is the feelin of it comin back to me?????i just feel so insecure....

after finals...

2008-10-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

its been 2 days since the finals ended...n the worst new ever or rather nt the worst yt....is that i just got my add maths results which really stinks like hell....n 3 stacks of the holiday hmwork which is suffocating!!!!DAMN IT MAN....why must life be so hard!!!!
but anyway i'm tryin my best to enjoy myself nw be4 deciding to start studyin again....so i started my fav book....PARADISE....it was a really great book....its nt like what others think of it being a dirty book...the story is about a man who meet a wealthy gril of 18 at a ball....they got married right after they meet each other 4 only 6 days becz the girl was pregnant....but soon after that they had to break up coz he had to go to venesula to work....but the bad part was that the girls dad is tryin all is best to separate the both of them which is very cruel of him.....by tell the man that her daugther actually aborted their child instead of tellin him the real truth that she miscarried....haiz!!!the best part is where they encountered each other again after 11 years of being separated....when they meet they both dispised each other becoz of the lie they were told.....bbut they had a happy endin which is what i hope for....so the story is really amazing n breath takin....its nt DIRTY BTW....its ROMANTIC!!!!!

free!!!!

2008-10-23T03:27:00.000-07:00

thanks god that the finals r finally over...been sufferin like crazy since last week...but what the hack it ended just couple of hours ago...nw i'm free....i cn finally gt back to what i use to do nw...no more txtbooks for a month then back to studies again coz of spm....haiz!!!!!why is life always bout studies n nothing else????anyway why do i even bother now as long as i'm free nw n getting back to doin what i like n what i prefer.....so who cares....right nw i'll just hav to sit back n relax while i wait for my results to backfire......hahahaha.....time to enjoy nw!!!!!YIPEE!!!WHO CARES WHATS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT!!!!

true friendship???or is it just a lie???

2008-10-18T01:53:00.000-07:00

seriously....i've been thinkin is there really such thing as true friendship????i really dont knw becoz i dnt believe in that anymore than i used to.....i've seen too much of that crap lately....it just wakes me up more bout such things as friendship.....i dnt really trust it coz i've been through it....there r only a few person nw that i consider them as my true friends....n the rest????i dnt knw...cn they even be consider as my friends???i hav doubt bout that....coz all i knw is that true friends will always be there for u no matter what happens....n they dont go behind u n do crap stuff....when u neeed help they help u as much as they cn...not turnin their backs against u when u need them n kickin u in the ass without u knwin...thats nt friends to me...coz they r just freakin takin advantage of u!!!!i've seen enough coz when u ask them in smthing that u r weak in they tells u that they r weaker n cnt help u askin u to freakin go find some1 else better...is it so hard to lend a helpin hand to others????is it that FREAKIN HARD????i just dont get it....just becoz u r smart doesnt mean u r everything in the world....just becoz they r smart doesnt mean that other r dump!!!just beocz they r smart they hav to look down on u...is that it????n it doesnt mean that i hav to follow them coz i knw how good m i n how bad m i in things n i'm not afraid of admitting it...coz i knw myself....maybe its just me but i startin to find that most ppl r just so fake....they seems so nice but there is smthing behind all of it.....we r all goin through trials n errors in our teenage life nw...if we dont help ppl out nw then dont expect ppl to help u when r in trouble...thats the simplest thing of all.....

long time...

2008-10-18T01:49:00.000-07:00

its been a freakin long time since i last sign into my blog....haiz...its all becoz of my bloody finals n i hav another 1 more fuckin week to go....DAMN IT!!!!its so fuckin torturing!!!!!i just hate exams....it gives me a bloody headache!!!!!!!just dont like studyin all day long but what to do i hav to go to sch n thats what i do as a bloody freakin student!!!!!i'll just hav to suffer 4 another week n i'm free frm hell but not for long...........haiz!!!!!TIME IS ALL IT IS!!!!!!

r0@d 2 h3ll...

2008-09-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

there is only 2 more weeks left till the finals....n whats worst is that i havent done any of my revision yet....i'm so DOOM!!!!! there is 1 week holiday due to the raya celebration.....i'm not sure that i cn even finish studyin by then i just hope that i cn make it through the finals this time n try not to flunk any paper or else i'm DEAD....HAIZ!!! i really hav to buck up this week.....i'm dead.....

j3@l0usy???

2008-09-23T05:45:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!i'm startin to hate myself again....i shouldn't hav even view his profile at all.......the minute that i saw him it makes me hav a kind of feelin....whats it all about????i just hate that feelin that i'm still feelin for him...i hate the feelin by just even think of him or even set a glance at him!!!it just make me so furious!!!DARN IT!!!!!!i really wasnt hoping for that!!!!!i knw that he's an ass n i told myself that tooo.....but how come???y m i still feelin like that!!!!!!!GOD PLS TELL ME Y?????ANYONE PLS TELL ME WHAT M I SUPPOSE TO DO!!!!!!! I'M JUST SO FURIOUS!!!!!

resistance....

2008-09-18T02:48:00.000-07:00

haiz....i finally did get to get my hands on the book that i hav longed for yesterday but the saddest part is that i dont gt to read it until after my finals!!!!!damn!!!!!anyway i was just so lucky coz i found the book which is kinda hard to find in any other bookstore in penang....hahaha...i'm so happy coz its the 1 n only book there....n i gt my hands on it...YIPEE!!!!

anyway let talk bout today.....just like any other thurs there was ntg much diff actually...the only difference is that we had a talk this morning on having a relationship,having save sex as well as having abortion.....this makes me think back on my previous action...but it doesnt really effect me coz whatever that has been given is already given....anyway the pic they showed on abortion as well as AIDS was really disgusting...god knws what did thses ppl do to get this kind of disease...YUCK!!!!what they say is actually right...its always better save than sorry....

h0l!d@y!!!!

2008-09-16T02:42:00.000-07:00

haha i just cnt wait till 2mr...its gonna be a public holiday n my mom is workin half day....i just cnt wait to go to queensbay 2mr...cnt wait to gt my hand on the books that i hav longed 4 long time.....n also the lastest camp rock books n mag as well as the hsm book.....hahaha....n yes to ans the ques that denise is gonna ask me....yes i'm gonna buy more of the 'dirty books' hahahaha......i just cnt resist the temptation of readin the books that i'm gonna buy 2mr but i knw it wont happen coz my mom is definitely gonna confiscate all the books that i'm gonna buy 2mr...swt....i dnt 1 anything to ruin my mood for 2day n 2mr so i wont say what happen today.....but i'm still gonna say it anyway....who the hell is she to tell me what to do...but anyway thats probably what my mom would n will do...so i hav no say for this...hahaha.....

b00ks.....

2008-09-15T02:58:00.000-07:00

what is it with these ppl n my books...i'm just reading a normal novel bout love n they r thinkin as if it came for outer space...haiz....what is it with the bloody bitch,man i just hate her.....i nw hav doubts bout lendin her my book...haiz....its my own right on what i want to do,i just hate studying sometimes its just so much pressure....n i for is never good in doin anything under pressure especially askin me to study its like askin my to die....i just dont get it!!!!!but this blog isnt really bout me....i just want to voice my unsactification on the blog bout her....sometimes she cn just act as though ntg has happen n make it as if it doesnt exist at all.....what kind of a human being is she!!!!!!!!

b0r3d!!!!

2008-09-14T02:33:00.000-07:00

its kinda boring today as ther is nothing intersting happenin 2day...n i just hav no mood to do my homework although i hav to finish it....haiz....HOMEWORK HOMEWORK...all week long just goin on with that....anyway i still got a way to entertain myself...hahaha...at least its not so bad....miss zorah just lend me 1 of her novel n i hav already finished reading it yesterday but i'm still rereading it again becoz the story is really really nice....n i've been doin the same thing to the last 2 novels that i read....coz its really good the story line is intersting.....
P.S:Denise if u r seeing this u r gonna say that i'm crazy again which i hav to admit i'm hardly a normal person...hahahahha

.....???!!!!

2008-09-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

now i'm confused...i'm stuck in between loads of stuff n patically nothing is being right a this moment...1st it was all my stupid flash backs again.....the scene of remembering what happen which i desparetely want to wipe it of my mind but y is it still stcuk there nt not coming out????i'm seriously tryin to forget but it just wont let me when i thought i hav totally as in totally wipe it of me....n it comes back again!!!DAMN IT!!!!!why is it so hard???i just hope it never happend to me sometimes...NO I DONT MEAN THAT....

anyway the 2nd thing is about a friend of mine n i'm so fucked up by that becoz every1 thinks that i'm not talkin to her becoz i'm angry at her....which of coz i dont....n i just dont like to explain things sometimes just wish it could all go away n give me some peace....which i DOUBT that may ever happen until 1 of friend try to pry the reason out of me.....HAIZ!!!!

the 3rd thing which got me really really PISSED of is my class trip!!!i hav never in my entire life seen a teacher walked out on her students like that!!!coz she was the 1 who 1st suggested bout doi a trip...but when another teacher asked her bout it she told her there was no such thing which got us all really FUCKED UP....coz all the plans hav been draft n done together with the price n all....n she just said as if nothing had happen....as if it was just a dream when everything was almost done.....she doesnt 1 2 get involved with whatever we r doin but she wants to join us.....everything that she told us was all just empty promises.....which makes her a FUCKIN BLOODY BIG FAT BITCH.....she's such an ASS....which i think every1 in the class knows that!!!!!i'm NEVER EVER gonna trust ppl like her again NEVER!!!!!

Denise...

2008-09-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

HAHA...this is Denise here...I'm doing this...cos...well..I promised Ee Lin I'd do her layout for her...and I am taking this opportunity to ask if you ppl agree with me...

Isn't Ee Lin's blog very emo???
HAHA....
lol...
:P

misunderstand???

2008-09-11T01:02:00.000-07:00

its been 4 days...and every1 keeps askin me whats goin on between me n her...n i kept tellin them ntg wrong but of coz who would believe it since i hav nt talk to her 4 1 whole week....there is a reason for that i jus didnt 1 2 lt them knw...part of the reason 4 y i'm nt talkin to her is because of her bloody bitch girlfriend....who is so pathetic....partly its also because she's my friend thats y i'm nt talkin to her.....n we hav been very close together and it might hav already give others who dont really knw us think that i'm tryin to take her away from her girlfriend which isnt true.....because shes a gay but i knw that i'm definetely not 1 which is y i'm nt talkin 2 her i'm just tryin to keep a certain distance betwee her n myself which eventually lead to the misunderstanding of 2 parties...1 is where my friends thinks that i'm mad at her 4 some stupid reason....and another is by her girlfriends friends which think that i might be the cause of their breakup which i hav no knwledge off until my friends told me.....i dont really care what ppl think bout me as long as i knw what i'm doin...n i hav a pretty great idea that i'm not a gay.....so whatever it is i'll see how it goes......n try to straight things out....

jUst d0nt und3rst@nd...

2008-09-07T06:55:00.000-07:00

sometimes its just so hard to understand the concept of human nature....when u hav a friend who desparately needs ur help n u actually give them a hand some pathetic asshole has to act like a pity bitch 2 gt some2 to notice them....n the person who help actually gt into some shit for that she tired to help her friend....thats just all crap....how cn a human being to that 2 each other????isnt it amazing????thats just how human nature is i guess....u kill each other behind thier back n after that u act like u r the pathetic victim or shall i call them the pathetic assholes n bitches???in my opinion i think there r both....BIG FAT PATHETIC ASSHOLES,BITCHES N MORONS!!!!!!!

n3w l!f3....

2008-08-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

he has already gone back to the states for bout a week.....ask me if i'm sad???ask me if i'm happy???but all i cn tell is i'm neither sad nor happy becoz to me its a new beginning for me...through all this that i hav been through i learn a lot nt only from him but also from others as well this has taught me to move on....i will not look back n i should nt...becoz there is no regret to whatever i hav give or done to myself n others....my new life shall begin now or rahter it has already begun n i'm enjoyin it very much......i shall make everyday that i live for worth well.....n i shall piss more ppl off.....in a good way of coz....hahahaha

m!x3d f33l!ngs.....

2008-08-22T02:46:00.000-07:00

he just left today i'm not quite sure how i feel.....but all i can say is that i gave him my best wishes n hope to see him again if possible....but anyway it doesnt really matter anymore coz i still hav to move on no point being stuck there forever....n i still dont regret meetin him coz it was a great time.....anyway today is the last day of my camp it wasnt so bad in fact it was quite fun with all the activities provided....i especially like the salad n bakin workshop......we bake a black forest cake today n also muffin surprisingly it was kinda nice......too bad the hols r gonna end soon n i will hav to go back to sch eventually... so.......its just all the mixed feelings i hav......haiz!!!!!!

c@mp...

2008-08-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

well sch holidays hav already started since sat n i hav sign up for a camp that denise ask me to join.....it's been the 2nd day here at the camp n this is the weirdest camp that i hav attended 1st time in my life with only 2 person.....which i had expected more ppl to turn up....n denise had to ditch me there alone lookin like an egghead for the entire week!!!!darn!!!!anyway the 1st day was basiclly the campus tour of coz....which is the continued with movie making...after that it was some self discovery prog which was quite intersting coz it ask me what is life to me which i hav partically no idea....n its now the 2nd day....we started it with the salad making workshop which i learn how to make n design my own salad of coz.....its crazy coz with the salad meal today i basically had 3 breakfast 2day alone....anyway after that was some photography session which was suppose to be 30min but it ended just 5 min after it started n the lectures basically just ditch us there with ntg to do....so i came up to the library with a friend to surf the net n we are now having our lunch break until 2pm....and denise i'm definitely gonna kill u after u come back from thailand for ditching me there for 1 whole week.....

l3@ving!!!!

2008-08-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

there is only 3 more days left before he leaves pg to head back to the states....time just fly by so fast that it had already been bout 3 months since the whole thing started...i never regreted meetin him n did whatever we did coz i guess that would be the most memorable thing in my life....coz he taught me a lot....right now all i cn do his giving him my best wishes and see what happens to me later on.....i know i hav to move on but i just hadnt figure out how....which is what i'm tryin to find out after he leave this friday.....life just isnt the same anymore ever since the 1st time i meet him...never been like my oldself since then but i'm still tryin to recover.....anyway we'll see what happens after i wish him goodbye....it really felt nice havin talkin n meetin him...so i'll just wait n see what happens.....might nt be what i expect but i'll have to except whatever that comes after this.....

r3l!ef?????

2008-08-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

i dont know what am i suppose to say but i kinda feel a lil relief but i dont know its just a mixture of feelings i hav in myself...i just message him to bid farewell and we sms for a while n he ask me who i was coz he didnt save my no...at that time i didnt feel disappointed at all bout that in fact i feel kinda relief...i dont know y....maybe its becoz i know that he is leaving and its time to let go....maybe???i dont know...but somehow or other i feel better that way....

m00dy...

2008-08-07T02:30:00.000-07:00

i really dont know whats wrong with me lately... my stupid mood swings thing is gettin to me agian today...it hasnt occur to me 4 a very long time but today i dnt know whats wrong with me i gone all way moody...i dnt knw what its all about but it really is getting to my nerve...i want to get it out but i cnt i'm just so lost....i dnt even knw how i feel at times....sometimes i just screw up when things happen...i really lose myself.....

anyway speech day is this sat and the reharsal is goin fine...its just the mike part where i really have to get use to.....haiz...otherwise things arent goin as normal as i think it would be bcoz i still cnt really get myself together.....

t!r3d!!!!

2008-08-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

i really really dont know whats wrong with me....why cnt i forget him????his images keeps coming into my head and it makes me lose my focus.....i dont know why is it so hard.....its really gonna drive me to the edge...i tried every thing i could to forget him but ntg seems to work.....why????
fri n sat was the day when i went for my tournament...while i was there i dnt knw why but i keep hoping that he would be there..why am i hoping for that when i 1 2 forget him???i knw its awkward but the feelin for him just cnt seem to go off...why????someone or anyone pls tell me why????
DAMN IT I REALLY HATE HIM!!!!!!!

blur....

2008-07-30T03:12:00.000-07:00

i wanted to wish him happy bday last friday coz it was his bday but i didnt have the guts to...after all i'm tryin to forget bout him but somehow or other i just cnt seem to get him out of my mind...i dnt know why...n he is leavin back to the states on the 22nd of august....

worst of all was today....n it was during the add math period that reminded me of him becoz of the smile that was in my teacher's face...it really look so much like his smile when she smile although the teacher is a women....now the worst part is when i'm doin my add math hmwork i just cnt seem to focus at it becoz add math reminded me so much of him coz i remember him tellin me once he hated add math so much but now he likes it...thats why when i have to do it i really need to make my mind clear but how???and michelle isnt helpin me much!!!!!i'm goin out of my mind tryin to stop thinkin bout him or whatever had happen.....HELP!!!!!!!I JUST WISH THAT THE CLOCK COULD STOP TICKIN.....

喜欢或恨????

2008-07-23T03:10:00.000-07:00

很多人都说爱情是不一定要拥用的,但是在这世上有多少人做得到????
爱情到底是什么?????我真的很想知道....谁能告诉我????
我想他...我喜欢他....但是我也很恨他.....我也恨我自己.....
我恨他因为他让我喜欢他......我恨我自己因为我无法控制我自己不去喜欢他....
为什么?????
我知道我无法拥有他,我也没想过要拥有他....因为他已经是别人的.....
我也真心祝福他....但是为什么我还是无法把他忘了????
谁能来告诉我,我该怎么办?????
我真的真的很恨他!!!!!!!!!!!!

relief...

2008-07-23T03:04:00.000-07:00

hahaha...i'm so happy....exams finally over.....but i hav a very good idea that i'm about to fail a couple of sub coz i didnt study at all....hahahahaha.............

l0st....

2008-07-12T00:50:00.000-07:00

i dont know whats wrong with me....my heart for things my life...i dnt know....i cnt talk with some ppl in my class coz they dont understand what i'm goin through so instead of helpin me they end up pissing me off.....they r just so old fashion i guess....total nerds....all they talk bout is books books n books....i cnt stand it....they r just not communicating enough with the outside world...i dnt know they r always talkin bout schlorships n crap like that i dnt knw if i cnt stand this any longer...i'm goin total nuts with this ppl......i'm lost....what i know nw is i m definitely nt through with the feelings i hav for the guy or whatever....i really dnt knw i'm lost......

my h3@rt???

2008-07-05T18:56:00.001-07:00

my heart is no longer with me,
it has gone somewhere else....
i'm not focus at all with what i'm doin
y cnt i do something bout it???
i tired but everything or rather every step i take seems to fail
especially to things that i look forward in doin'
when i'm there i thought everything would be fine,but my heart doesnt seem so....
i'm not focus at all!!!!?????
am i lying to myself???thats the ques to be ask....
are things really forgotten????or am i just fakin' it??????

0ld 3n0ugh!!!!!!

2008-06-30T02:33:00.000-07:00

as far as i know i'm 16 n i know whats right n whats wrong,what to do n whats not to do....i dont need ppl telling me to do stuff n i dont like it when ppl tell me what to do...i'm old enough to know whats good n whats bad for me...its my own bloody life why must i go through all the crap listening to ppl telling me what to do!!!!!i cnt stand it anymore....i hav my own fuckin rights its up to me to decide what i 1 to do with it...its not becoz u r an elder person n i hav to fuckin do just whatever u ask me to its not fair to me...i like what i'm doin n i enjoy doin it..i like goin for a personal training n u cnt stop me from doin that...its not like i ask u 2 pay for the bloody training n its not u who pays for it all this while y the hell r u throwing ur fuckin bloody grudge on me!!!!!!!i dont care or do i give a damn on what u want...its my fuckin life i cn do whatever i want to it as long as i fuckin enjoy it....i dont fuckin need u to pay for the fuckin trainin i cn fuckin save n pay my bloody self.....whoever stand in my way tryin to tell me what to do or what right n wrong i'm fuckin gonna "kill" the bloody person!!!!!no 1 stands in my way when i want something!!!!!no 1 and not even u!!!!!!

m!s3r@bl3 16!!!!!!

2008-06-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

and i thought ppl say that when a teen reach 16 its suppose to be sweet...but instead of having a sweet 16 i have a really sour yet bitter 1.....i had a real miserable b-day....hav been suffering from this for more then 4 weeks or make it 5 including this week....i seriously didnt enjoy my b-day at all.....i went through 1 hell of my life living miserable through my b-day....it all started on the 23rd of may....if only i had been in sch that day then all this would not hav happen....if only i could turn back time which i couldnt....it always comes back to the matter 'if'.....i had to meet him that day....n i had to loss 1 of my most precious thing to him on the other.....after that i had to fall for 'the guy' knowing it is impossible becoz he lives far from home n he has a gf......n from that i suffer for the pass 4 weeks tryin to 4get it but instead tryin to lied my way through of telling myself i hav totally 4gotten when i hav only 4gotten part of it....when things r suppose to go back to the way its suppose to be after getting a whole lot of therapy n lectures from my friends something else had to turn it over again....which is quite about the same thing.....this time instead of me fallin for it,its another fallin for me....which i dont really know how i really feel bout him....what does it mean when a guy smses u almost everyday askin you hav u taken ur lunch n stuff like that or where r u nw...what time r u coming home n stuff????i really dont know.....all i knw is instead of having a sweet 16 b-day i had to go through 1 hell of crap to get myself together again n now this????what the hell is wrong with me????

n0 !d3@....

2008-06-26T02:24:00.000-07:00

i hav seriously got no idea whats wrong with me.....usually i just cant wait till its weekends but now out of the sudden i hate it when weekends is just bout the corner...i dont know y but it doesnt really seems to excites me anymore than it used too.....n i especially hate sundays now when i hav to spend my day alone i hate that kinda feelin it makes me so blank...when i tend to be lonely or blank the flash backs will come thats what i hate the most.....whats wrong with me????

@fr@!d

2008-06-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

i'm scared,in fact i've never been so scared in life be4....it has been 4 weeks since whatever had happen to me n i'm trying to put it all behind but i thought that i had already totally forgotten bout what happpen but actually i havnt after having all the sudden flash backs lately.....i really dont know what to do,in addition to the pessure that i'm facing in sch i'm really scared that i might loss myself 1 day....when i mean loss i mean really not literally...the thought of seeing myself blow up i'm really really scared n i hav never felt that way be4 what is goin on with me???i really dont know.....what am i suppose to do????i'm feeling really helpless at times......

wh@t g03s up must c0m3 d0wn.....

2008-06-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

what goes up must come down.....i am already having probs myself in my personal life and yet when i was just about to settle down with it another problems arise!!!!that would be having probs in sch.....i dont know if anyone have ever face this kind of prob like me......maybe they do n maybe they dont or its just the matter of time they experience it.....i really dont know...the prob i'm really facing now is how to control my anger be4 i really blow my head off......these ppl have really drive me to the edge n i dont know how long more i cn hold on to it.....i wanna scream but i cnt i wanna cry but i cnt.......i'm screamin deep down in myself but really need to shout it out!!!!!i dont like being accused of things that i didnt do or didnt even know happen but they just like to put the blame on me!!!!!!that stupid bunch of bitches!!!!!i hate them n i really dont know how cn i work with them till the end of the year!!!!!

p!ssed....

2008-06-19T03:53:00.001-07:00

i hate ppl who do stuff and go behind my back talkin bout me n complainin...whatever u hav to say say it to my face dont do it behind my back like a coward.....its such a disgrace...i hate it when ppl do it to me when i didnt do it to them....i also hate it when everyone just knows how to put the blame on me when somethings come up and they cnt handle it....its nt fair to me .....as to being called a selfish yet unfair person when they actually requested me to do stuff for them n complain behind my back!!!!!!!!!!!!I HATE PPL LIKE THAT THEY R SUCH NINGKAMPOOS!!!!!!!!!only knowing that by being called a selfish in front of the class by an ass using teacher's name....the bloody ass only know how to complain n dont know how to work always putting the fuckin blame on me then complain...shes such a maniac!!!i hate her!!!shes useless....

p!ssed....

2008-06-19T03:53:00.000-07:00

.......

2008-06-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

for now i still dont really know what i want....i'm tryin to do whatever i can to help myself now...it seems to be workin slightly already but i seriously dont know how long it will take for me to actually recover from it but i know that i hav to or else it wont get me anywhere near myself ever....although i keep bugging my friends bout it but what cn i do thats the only way i cn get myself through it.....it actually helps...so i just so sry to say that i hav to keep bugging u denise hahahahaha......so the progress will keep coming.....i cnt keep torturing myself like that when the person is actually enjoyin right???do as what my coach says try to put it aside...n i'm tryin....how far its gonna take me i seriously dont know....i just know that it hav to take me somewhere at some point....thinkin of start dating again but i'm just nt sure if i will ever hav the kinda feelin for the other person....its just nt right to hurt others.....haiz!!!!complicated.....

sss00000 wr0ng!!!!!

2008-06-13T01:06:00.000-07:00

i hav been through so many helpless days.....cnt help it but to say nothing ever seems right to me lately.....its all soo wrong i hav got no answer at all to all my own questions why does it hav to seems so wrong......when my mind is blank i starts shoutin and screamin like a mad women.....i just cnt help it i'm not thinkin right....i m trying my best to let go of what i hav to but sometimes it just doesnt really work.....i shall try harder....

holidays sucks!!!!!

2008-06-06T23:59:00.001-07:00

seriously i thought that my holidays arent so bad after all that i didnt end up in the hospital at the start of the holidays but it actually ended the other way around.....instead of startin it in the hospital now i end my in the hospital.....y is life so unfair????i had to face all my problems during the holidays n this is the worst.....i puked 4 times n i nearly fainted in the lift....and i had to start my holidays liking someone whom i know is impossible....i know this might be a challange or whatever but y me y now???i dont think so but i know so that everyone has to go through that kinda of feelings n its just a matter of time that allows u to do so but y nw????i dont understand n the feeling of knowing u like or love someone that u cnt that really hurts.....it really really hurts....i'm just so mess up right nw....

SSsssssooooo m3ss Up!!!!!

2008-06-02T01:21:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!too much....too much.....so many things had happen so quickly that i hav no time at all to face it n to breath n its takin my breath away......its drivin me to the edge i dont know exactly how long i cn last....GOD HELP ME!!!!!!why does it hav to be me why?????i'm goin ballistic over n its not helpin me at all....i try so many ways n nothing seems to help me forget what i want to forget...nothing helps me at all n i hav not been myself for the past week.....HELP!!!!!!!!!!right now all i know is that i am SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOO MESS UP!!!!!!!!!!

everything just seem to happen at a very wrong moment......so many things so lil time........

LOVE????

2008-05-30T06:37:00.000-07:00

CRUSH.....MY 1ST EVER....CRUSH

h0l!d@yz....

2008-05-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

well at least my holidays didnt started out like the last holidays where i ended in the hospital....but instead it started in the tennis court....the tournament is a really good eye opener for me as i get to see many different ppl play and its amazing....i got to know some really intersting ppl as well where i'm the only 1 i guess who doesnt who is the person where he turn out to be kinda famous among all the other player....guess i'm always the slow n stupid 1...haiz!!!!

i guess i'm just not like any of the other odinary teens where they can get along well with ppl which i cn hardly ever do so becoz i hardly talk to ppl i dont know....i guess he is right that its bout time for me to open up myslef and start mingle around with more ppl....i on the other hand is really tryin my best to change......

it was quite a nice way to start of my holidayz to get to know friends.....which i think is good as i dont really hav lots of friends outside of sch and i shall name him my 1st ever.....sounds a lil pathetic right???but i'm just telling how i feel as no 1 really actually understands how i feel bout my life....it's a new experience to gain.....