Friday, December 18, 2009
god what the bloody fuckin day i had today.....had a very nice lunch today with my cous,aunts,uncle,grandma and parents but that happiness only lasted until 3 pm until my dad had to ruin my whole entire afternoon by telling me bout college.....he says that whats the point of me takin A levels when its the same as taking form 6....might as well take the free one.....GOSH!!!!!DONT HE UNDERSTAND!!!!!he says that takin A levels is unless i'm goin overseas to study so theres no point in taking it n since he doesnt hav the money to send me there.....BUT god doesnt he knw that private colleges also allow me to complete my course in m'sia itself????n the difference in it is that the certs are totally different coz havin an overseas cert allows me to hav a better future as it is widely recognize....BUT god no he thinks its a waste of money......then after lunch he drag me all the way to TAR COLLEGE...just to ask for what they offer...then be4 the counseller even say anything to me he keeps telling her that he's got no money to send me overseas!!!!god!!!!!then he brags bout he know loads more things then they do becoz his friends kids are doin this n doin that all the yadayada crap.....ARGHHH!!!!!y cnt he just understand what i'm askin for......n i guess i hav to go through all this crap again 2mr n its not gonna make my day...n he'sgoin down to kl during x'mas n wants me to enquire in UTAR....guess it wont make my day until i agree to what he wants me to do.....NOW I HAV HALF OF MY MIND TO TELL HIM THAT I DNT WANT TO STUDY ANYMORE SINCE I'M NOT GIVEN A CHOICE TO CHOOSE WHERE I WANNA STUDY.....gosh sometimes i just really envy those orphan ...at least at the end of the day they get to choose what they want although they hav got to work harder than us with parents....but i just hav to ask for god's forgiveness for what i say bout the orphan not that i dont apprieciate my parents....but at least my mom knws what i want n is willing to let me choose but god my dad....its just so bloody frustrating....man are just so bloody complicated.......
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7:18 AM
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Thursday, December 10, 2009
god what the hell has gotten into me today....y am i feeling angry at him???just becoz he's busy????god the feeling is sooo confusing...it just doesnt make sense to me.....y am i angry???y do i feel insecure????all of this is so confusing so weird....ntg like that has ever happen be4...but y now????do i really love him that makes me feel weird???god....then my mom starts getting into my face just becoz i 4gotten to drink my milo this freakin morning....what the hell is wrong???y r crazy thing s happening to me nw????god.....1st was when i cried...then now getting angry...ARGHH!!!!!this is just so frustrating i dnt even knw how i feel at times.....smbody just gt to tell me bout it....i'm new at it n definitely not good at it....dnt like second guessing my own feelings....everything just makes me feel weird n outta place....just need to cool it for awhile...
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5:07 AM
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Wednesday, December 9, 2009
yesterday was hectic it was soo tiring....went to sch in the morning to return the txtbooks....waited for jane to finish her exams be4 goin to gurney....went to watch love happens and man that was the most draggies movie i had ever watch....theres ntg much to write bout yesterday......
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5:54 PM
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Tuesday, December 8, 2009
god has it been a long time since i last wrote my blog.....been busy with all those freakin studies....which now that spm has already ended just couple hours ago...wow...all the hard work sure hope it pays of in the end.....now that the studies are all officially over for the time being....its time for me to get on back with my carefree life....now it more storybooks,more blogging,more facebook n more tv.....god its just time to relax a lil.....then after that look for a job which i already am just hoping to get it....so that the stupid dad of mine wouldnt start nagging again...god forgive me but do i just hate him....cnt he just let me go on with my own life n let me decide what i wanna do n stop making decision for me....i'm old enough to knw exactly what i want...but anyways life goes on from here....just had an outing with a bunch of friends just now after the ppr end.....no more talking bout hw did i do the ppr goes its all over n cnt change a sinlge things now....well went out with a bunch of friends including my 'lover'....well wasnt so bad.....growing to learn how to luv him i guess.....just hope that everything would be fine n my prayers would be answered...right now i'm just hoping that everything would turn out the way i want it to be and give me less trouble to deal with....which i already hav a hands full of it....
all i'm askin for now is that to achieve good results for my spm,for my parents to understand what i really want,for my relationship to be stable n good and for those strangers in my life to leave me alone....
AHHH.....GUESS THATS ALL FOR TODAY.....
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7:36 AM
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Saturday, October 3, 2009
ahhh....its been soo long since i last wrote my blog.....
SPM is just around the corner....hav got to study real hard this time....buck up an all my science sub....haiz....but thats not the point of why i'm writing today....
i'm writing today is becoz i find myself still unable to forget him.....i still find myself askin things about him...when i thought that i had already had him out of my mind....but why is he still there vividly in my mind and memories....no doubt he had given me some things that i wont forget but still why i'm i still trying to find out bout him and what he does.....he is suppose to be just a memory....memory i should hav long put behind but yet he's still there lingering like a shadow....haiz...its very frustrating when u cant hav a person n knowing they would hav long forgotten ur existence...but yet u still think of him even though u dnt want to.....haiz.....=_='''
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7:00 AM
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Sunday, September 6, 2009
THE ULTIMATE LIFE GAME
HARD TO PLAY.....
CANT TAKE THE HEAT,DONT PLAY THE GAME....
He had once told me and he is not a 100% wrong about me at all...i hav to agree with what he had to say....so now here's the answer to answer his statement he said before which i havent really answer...guilt is something i cant live with...ya it right its something i cant do and live....and if it makes me naive and inexperience than just be it....i wont change the fact that thats what i am....at least i now knw that i was brought up with a guilty conscious mind.....and if trying meekly to be righteous makes me that way as well then i cant help it....becoz if u hav ever experience what i hav been through knowing that ur parents give u their fullest trust and knowing that somehow u had break that trust they had given u....u will try ur damnest to make things right...and if u had experience after doin something and the guilt hit up with u...then u'll knw why i try so hard to be righteous....trying to understand the world,and yet wont let the world teach me...maybe i try too hard to understand things,i'm a lil too pranoid....i admit what he said had not been wrong but if u cant live with me being who i am then just leave it be....i wont try to convince u of who i'm not...but at least i'm being honest bout who i am....if my answer still dont satisfy the statement then i'm really sorry....
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5:05 PM
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Thursday, August 27, 2009
how many of us out there has actually hav doubt bout ourselves???how many of us has actually ask ourselves before how much do we really know ourselves???i dont know becoz right know there's a gap between me n myself....i just got a really big slap from a friend....not really a slap but literally...i finally realize there's nothing much that i know bout myself besides being a loner....i dont knw really...he says i'm confident,sense urgency in me,unsure,curious,lonely,left out,hopeful firm,hasty....how much of that is true now???now that i have doubt on myself....i really dont knw...i'm lost with no where to go...now i'm also naive n inexperience.....i really dont know...i'm starting to hav doubt bout how much do i really know myself....he says guilt is something that i cannot take....he says i try meekly to be righteous...he says i'm filll with naive thoughts which r childlike...he says i try to understand the world but wont let the world teach me....i really dont know....am i trying too hard to be who i'm not???i'm starting to hav lots of doubt...how much do i really understand myself????just how much he says bout me is true????he says i'm too human...but arent we all????i just dont understand!!!!!
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1:53 AM
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