Monday, June 30, 2008
as far as i know i'm 16 n i know whats right n whats wrong,what to do n whats not to do....i dont need ppl telling me to do stuff n i dont like it when ppl tell me what to do...i'm old enough to know whats good n whats bad for me...its my own bloody life why must i go through all the crap listening to ppl telling me what to do!!!!!i cnt stand it anymore....i hav my own fuckin rights its up to me to decide what i 1 to do with it...its not becoz u r an elder person n i hav to fuckin do just whatever u ask me to its not fair to me...i like what i'm doin n i enjoy doin it..i like goin for a personal training n u cnt stop me from doin that...its not like i ask u 2 pay for the bloody training n its not u who pays for it all this while y the hell r u throwing ur fuckin bloody grudge on me!!!!!!!i dont care or do i give a damn on what u want...its my fuckin life i cn do whatever i want to it as long as i fuckin enjoy it....i dont fuckin need u to pay for the fuckin trainin i cn fuckin save n pay my bloody self.....whoever stand in my way tryin to tell me what to do or what right n wrong i'm fuckin gonna "kill" the bloody person!!!!!no 1 stands in my way when i want something!!!!!no 1 and not even u!!!!!!
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2:33 AM
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Saturday, June 28, 2008
and i thought ppl say that when a teen reach 16 its suppose to be sweet...but instead of having a sweet 16 i have a really sour yet bitter 1.....i had a real miserable b-day....hav been suffering from this for more then 4 weeks or make it 5 including this week....i seriously didnt enjoy my b-day at all.....i went through 1 hell of my life living miserable through my b-day....it all started on the 23rd of may....if only i had been in sch that day then all this would not hav happen....if only i could turn back time which i couldnt....it always comes back to the matter 'if'.....i had to meet him that day....n i had to loss 1 of my most precious thing to him on the other.....after that i had to fall for 'the guy' knowing it is impossible becoz he lives far from home n he has a gf......n from that i suffer for the pass 4 weeks tryin to 4get it but instead tryin to lied my way through of telling myself i hav totally 4gotten when i hav only 4gotten part of it....when things r suppose to go back to the way its suppose to be after getting a whole lot of therapy n lectures from my friends something else had to turn it over again....which is quite about the same thing.....this time instead of me fallin for it,its another fallin for me....which i dont really know how i really feel bout him....what does it mean when a guy smses u almost everyday askin you hav u taken ur lunch n stuff like that or where r u nw...what time r u coming home n stuff????i really dont know.....all i knw is instead of having a sweet 16 b-day i had to go through 1 hell of crap to get myself together again n now this????what the hell is wrong with me????
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8:39 AM
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Thursday, June 26, 2008
i hav seriously got no idea whats wrong with me.....usually i just cant wait till its weekends but now out of the sudden i hate it when weekends is just bout the corner...i dont know y but it doesnt really seems to excites me anymore than it used too.....n i especially hate sundays now when i hav to spend my day alone i hate that kinda feelin it makes me so blank...when i tend to be lonely or blank the flash backs will come thats what i hate the most.....whats wrong with me????
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2:24 AM
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Sunday, June 22, 2008
i'm scared,in fact i've never been so scared in life be4....it has been 4 weeks since whatever had happen to me n i'm trying to put it all behind but i thought that i had already totally forgotten bout what happpen but actually i havnt after having all the sudden flash backs lately.....i really dont know what to do,in addition to the pessure that i'm facing in sch i'm really scared that i might loss myself 1 day....when i mean loss i mean really not literally...the thought of seeing myself blow up i'm really really scared n i hav never felt that way be4 what is goin on with me???i really dont know.....what am i suppose to do????i'm feeling really helpless at times......
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3:04 PM
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Saturday, June 21, 2008
what goes up must come down.....i am already having probs myself in my personal life and yet when i was just about to settle down with it another problems arise!!!!that would be having probs in sch.....i dont know if anyone have ever face this kind of prob like me......maybe they do n maybe they dont or its just the matter of time they experience it.....i really dont know...the prob i'm really facing now is how to control my anger be4 i really blow my head off......these ppl have really drive me to the edge n i dont know how long more i cn hold on to it.....i wanna scream but i cnt i wanna cry but i cnt.......i'm screamin deep down in myself but really need to shout it out!!!!!i dont like being accused of things that i didnt do or didnt even know happen but they just like to put the blame on me!!!!!!that stupid bunch of bitches!!!!!i hate them n i really dont know how cn i work with them till the end of the year!!!!!
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6:55 PM
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Thursday, June 19, 2008
i hate ppl who do stuff and go behind my back talkin bout me n complainin...whatever u hav to say say it to my face dont do it behind my back like a coward.....its such a disgrace...i hate it when ppl do it to me when i didnt do it to them....i also hate it when everyone just knows how to put the blame on me when somethings come up and they cnt handle it....its nt fair to me .....as to being called a selfish yet unfair person when they actually requested me to do stuff for them n complain behind my back!!!!!!!!!!!!I HATE PPL LIKE THAT THEY R SUCH NINGKAMPOOS!!!!!!!!!only knowing that by being called a selfish in front of the class by an ass using teacher's name....the bloody ass only know how to complain n dont know how to work always putting the fuckin blame on me then complain...shes such a maniac!!!i hate her!!!shes useless....
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3:53 AM
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3:53 AM
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Tuesday, June 17, 2008
for now i still dont really know what i want....i'm tryin to do whatever i can to help myself now...it seems to be workin slightly already but i seriously dont know how long it will take for me to actually recover from it but i know that i hav to or else it wont get me anywhere near myself ever....although i keep bugging my friends bout it but what cn i do thats the only way i cn get myself through it.....it actually helps...so i just so sry to say that i hav to keep bugging u denise hahahahaha......so the progress will keep coming.....i cnt keep torturing myself like that when the person is actually enjoyin right???do as what my coach says try to put it aside...n i'm tryin....how far its gonna take me i seriously dont know....i just know that it hav to take me somewhere at some point....thinkin of start dating again but i'm just nt sure if i will ever hav the kinda feelin for the other person....its just nt right to hurt others.....haiz!!!!complicated.....
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5:53 AM
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Friday, June 13, 2008
i hav been through so many helpless days.....cnt help it but to say nothing ever seems right to me lately.....its all soo wrong i hav got no answer at all to all my own questions why does it hav to seems so wrong......when my mind is blank i starts shoutin and screamin like a mad women.....i just cnt help it i'm not thinkin right....i m trying my best to let go of what i hav to but sometimes it just doesnt really work.....i shall try harder....
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1:06 AM
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Friday, June 6, 2008
seriously i thought that my holidays arent so bad after all that i didnt end up in the hospital at the start of the holidays but it actually ended the other way around.....instead of startin it in the hospital now i end my in the hospital.....y is life so unfair????i had to face all my problems during the holidays n this is the worst.....i puked 4 times n i nearly fainted in the lift....and i had to start my holidays liking someone whom i know is impossible....i know this might be a challange or whatever but y me y now???i dont think so but i know so that everyone has to go through that kinda of feelings n its just a matter of time that allows u to do so but y nw????i dont understand n the feeling of knowing u like or love someone that u cnt that really hurts.....it really really hurts....i'm just so mess up right nw....
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11:59 PM
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Monday, June 2, 2008
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!too much....too much.....so many things had happen so quickly that i hav no time at all to face it n to breath n its takin my breath away......its drivin me to the edge i dont know exactly how long i cn last....GOD HELP ME!!!!!!why does it hav to be me why?????i'm goin ballistic over n its not helpin me at all....i try so many ways n nothing seems to help me forget what i want to forget...nothing helps me at all n i hav not been myself for the past week.....HELP!!!!!!!!!!right now all i know is that i am SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOO MESS UP!!!!!!!!!!everything just seem to happen at a very wrong moment......so many things so lil time........
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1:21 AM
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